Have you ever been in a situation where you just felt so let down and so disappointed? Where it almost feels like you’re in a cave of some sort, and you’re just stuck in your own mind in the dark because of that disappointment?
Because, same.
Probably out of my entire college experience, one of the most disappointing things I experienced was not being selected as the Editor-in-Chief of the student newspaper for my senior year of undergrad. That was something I was working for since the year before, and it was something that I always wanted to try. It was something that I knew could help me launch my journalism career. It was a position I could learn from too, and get a lot out of.
I still remember the day I found out. I was asked to stick around after a class one day because my supervisor and another professor wanted to talk to me. I assumed it was about the position, and I assumed right. That was when both of them broke the news to me and told me I wasn’t selected for that position, but would be a great candidate for managing editor. I was actually really upset when I heard the news. I felt the tears in my eyes and my throat closing up. I felt that I wasn’t talented, and to be completely honest, I didn't feel good enough. I thought it would be unprofessional to show those emotions, so I told them both that I had to get to fieldwork.
On my walk over, was when I really let everything out. I was by myself, and I was in a place where I could cry. At that moment, I was so angry with God, as I couldn’t understand what his thought process was behind this decision.
Once I got to fieldwork, I tried to leave all of that at the door. Usually whenever I went to my fieldwork (which was at the college’s PR office), I would say hello to my supervisor, but this time I didn’t. I just got to my computer and got right to work. I saw out of the corner of my eye, her looking out of her office to see if I was okay, as she knew I found out either way that day. A few minutes later, she came out of her office and said she was not going to pry, but she reminded me that she was there for me if I needed anything. I thanked her, and made sure I got all of my work done before I spoke to her. About a half hour later, I told her that I would like to talk. That was when I told her how disappointed I was, and just how much I wanted that position. One of the things I remember her telling me, was that something better would be coming along, and that everything happens for a reason. She reminded me of my strength, and assured me that I would do a great job with the managing editor role. She also reminded me that because I didn’t get this position, I would not have to give up being president of a leadership society we had on campus, or any of my other roles in clubs like University Church, or the Psychological Society.
After we had chatted, I did feel a lot better about things. However, it wasn’t until January of the following year, that I realized that God told me “not right now,” when I prayed about getting EIC.
In January of 2020, I still remember blacking out when I read an email that told me I had been granted acceptance to one of the top (if not, the top), journalism schools in the country for graduate school. I was on cloud nine when I found out. This was something I had probably wanted more than getting the EIC role. God saw that, and knew that saying “not right now” to the EIC role only meant he would say yes to this acceptance. He knew how much more of a deal getting into this school was, and just like my supervisor at fieldwork, he knew that something else would come along too.
It’s important to remember this in any situation that we are faced with. God does want the best for us, he loves us unconditionally and has a plan for all of us.
It did take me a while, but I trusted God again after this experience. He knew that saying “not right now” was in my best interest.
And guess what? He was right.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” -Jeremiah 29:11.
-Kate