For am I now trying to persuade people, or God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. - Galatians 1:10, CSB
I had a realization recently. It’s something I’ve often thought about before, but I had always brushed to the side. This time, however, something felt different. The urgency was more real than ever.
I realized that I don’t know if the way I’m living my life is glorifying God or is a vessel through which His light and His love can shine through.
I have many people in my life who I look at and think, “wow, they really live and breathe Jesus. They love like He loves, and they just have this light and love for life about them.” I started to look at the way I live on a day to day basis and I couldn’t help but wonder, “am I living that way too?” The answer for a long time was no. Recently, however, God has been tugging on my heart more than I’ve ever felt Him tug before. He’s been asking me to be bold—He’s been asking me to really live out my faith.
Every New Year, I choose one word to live by for that year. I try to choose a word that I know will challenge me in some way. This year, I felt that word needed to be “vulnerability.” For years I have hidden parts of myself, including my faith, in fear of what others might think of it. This was especially true when I started college and became friends with people who did not think or believe the same things I believed. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, and I felt I was incapable of talking about Jesus in a way that would be pleasing to Him. So I kept my mouth shut.
Funny thing about God is that He often makes us go there—He asks us to get uncomfortable, and He calls us to do things we really don’t think we are capable of doing. I have always told myself, “who am I to tell people about Jesus? There are so many others out there who would do a better job than I would.” But lately I’ve felt Him telling me, “I need you to.”
God uses us in the most unexpected ways. Sometimes He’ll take our biggest fears and say, “I need you to do this. I need you to go there and get uncomfortable because you are the person for the job.” We tell Him no, and we ignore His tugging. For a while, this “brushing it off” method works, but in my experience, it often becomes too much to handle.
I knew I had to go there.
I recently posted something very personal and vulnerable on my Facebook page. I was so nervous about the response I would get from it, but I knew God needed me to share. If you’re not friends with me on Facebook, here’s the post:
”The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.” - Psalm 19:1 (NIV)
Lately, I’ve felt like God has been tugging on my heart. I feel like He’s been saying to me, “Taylor, I need you to be bold about your faith. Someone needs to hear it. I need you to share it in the places where you feel most uncomfortable sharing it.” Well, that uncomfortable place is here. I have a lot of friends on here who believe what I believe. But honestly, I think I have more who don’t. My feed is often flooded with posts that take a stab at Christianity, the Bible, or Christians in one way or another. I have also experienced this personally in several of my college classes. And it hurts.
I want to start by saying that you are so incredibly loved. I know that sounds a little cliché, and I wish it didn’t, but that seems to be all I have. I wish I could put His love for you into words; I wish I could make you feel it. But I can’t, only He can. Let me tell you a story.
I have battled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has gotten increasingly better as I’ve grown, but it still comes in intense waves. For months at a time, I will feel great. But then next thing I know, I’m in a rut. Over Christmas break, I started feeling like my throat was closing up. The feeling was so real that it even drove me to the doctor because I was convinced something was physically wrong with my throat. Turns out, it’s a total anxiety thing. Sometimes when people get stressed or anxious, they feel like there’s a tight cord wrapped around their neck. This lasted for about two months before it finally went away.
When I was little, my parents would tuck me in every night for bed. When they would leave my room, I would always say, “everything is going to be okay tomorrow, right?” They would always reassure me that it would be. Not only was this a bit of an OCD habit of mine, but it was something I absolutely needed to hear before I fell asleep every night in order to calm my anxiety.
In high school, my biggest fear was always being in a situation or place and not having a way out. I would be sitting—in class, in the cafeteria, literally anywhere—when suddenly I would start to feel a little funny. Then my thoughts would spiral out of control and next thing I know I was feeling like I was about to pass out. To make it go away, I would simply get up and walk somewhere else to escape.
Anxiety is a constant and exhausting battle with the mind. It’s like I have two completely different voices inside my head that are telling me very contradictory things: one is rational and she’s saying, “you know this is all in your head. Don’t be ridiculous. You are completely fine.” But the other is shouting, “you can’t breathe. You’re dying. Your heart rate is faster. Are you sweating? You better panic. This is not good.” When I let that second voice drown out the first, a panic attack is the end result. I am not sharing all of this for pity. In fact, I have never wanted to share it at all. I didn’t want people to worry about me or treat me differently in certain situations. But when God tugs, I can’t ignore. I’m sharing this as a backstory to reveal God’s love and how through Him alone I am able to overcome it.
Naturally, I have quite a bit of flight anxiety. The idea of being trapped in a big machine way up in the air for a certain amount of time with literally no way out if I need it is absolutely terrifying. I start to panic: feeling like I can’t breathe, feeling like the oxygen is running out, and that familiar wave comes over me. I just recently flew, and I was so nervous because we had to wear masks for the entire flight. The panic voice in my head was saying, “not only will you be trapped in a pressurized machine way up in the air where the air is thin, but you’ll also have something covering where you breathe.” As I was sitting on the plane waiting for takeoff, my throat began to feel like it was closing up, and panic began to come over me. I said in my head, “Jesus, please bring me peace.” I repeated this same line over a few times. After I said this little prayer in my head, the pilot came on the intercom and said, “just in case anyone may be feeling a little worried about the oxygen and the air quality in the cabin, I want you to know that we recycle it from the outside air every 3 minutes. There’s no way the plane will run out of breathable air.” WOW GOD. While I realize this was probably a concern for many others because of the masks, I still couldn’t believe he said it right after I had prayed. I felt like God was speaking right to me through our pilot. I felt Him saying to me, “Taylor, you don’t have to worry. I’m in control.” I kid you not, the most overwhelming feeling of peace washed over me while I was sitting on that plane waiting for takeoff. It was so overwhelming that it brought me to tears.
As we were in the sky, I couldn’t help but stare in awe at the sunset I was getting to watch through the window. I felt so comfortable and so peaceful. I felt God say to me, “this is my world. I’m holding it in my hands. I painted this for you. It is beautiful and so are you.” I was brought to tears again.
I’m so in awe of Him and how incredibly deep His love is for us. I’ve been learning so much lately about the importance of letting Him dwell in my heart. If I let Him take up space there, I’m blocking out any and all lies the enemy will try to get into my head. The more I read and learn about Jesus and His character, the more blown away I am by just how powerful He is and how much He works in our hearts. And I know for those of you who don’t believe what I believe, you may be thinking, “she’s making this up,” or “she’s hearing voices.” I’ve been a Christian all my life and I’m just now starting to feel like I can hear His voice. I thought it was crazy once too when people would say God told them things. But wow, I’ve been hearing Him so much lately. I’m convinced it’s because I’ve opened my heart to Him in this season more than I ever have in my entire life.
With everything going on in the world—all the questions and the uncertainty—I just want to say: Jesus is the only answer. Prayer is the most powerful tool we have at our disposal. I’m never closing my heart or my ears to what He’s trying to say to me ever again. You might think I’m crazy, and that’s okay. I just needed to share this. I love Jesus and He loves me. And guess what? He loves you, too. No matter what you’ve done or how far you’ve wandered, He loves you. His love doesn’t weaken when we mess up. Maybe that’s why we have such a hard time comprehending it. When someone we know does us wrong, we immediately (and sometimes permanently) think about them in a negative light. We view them differently, and we don’t love them as much as we once did. But that is the nature of man, not God. He loves you exactly as you are, more than you can fathom. More than anything in this world can love you.
If anyone ever wants to have an open conversation about Jesus, message me. Whatever questions you may have, I’d love to do my best to answer them or to at least point you to someone else who can. I’m no expert—I’m still learning a lot about God and how to be an intent listener. I definitely do not have all of the answers. But I want everyone I know to feel His love because it is what this world needs more than anything ❤️
That was the entire post. After it published, I felt sick to my stomach. I thought, “maybe that was too personal. Everyone is going to think it’s stupid.” I kept reminding myself this was the Enemy talking, but I still felt uneasy. Because of this, I deleted all of my social media apps and decided to take a break for awhile. When I came back, I was blessed by what I was seeing on my feed.
The first thing I saw was a post from a Christian publishing company that said, “The desire to write was put on your heart for a reason.” This post was so reassuring to me, and it made me smile. I felt as though it was God’s way of comforting me. As I kept scrolling, I saw posts from some friends and family that were very similar to the one I had shared on Facebook. They shared their stories, their love for God, and their willingness to have a conversation with anyone and everyone who wants or needs it. I was so blown away and excited by how vulnerable and open everyone was being.
While a personal and private relationship with Jesus is crucial to our growth with Him, I believe it can be equally powerful to share that relationship and that love with the world. When we open our hearts to those around us and express what we believe, we open the door for conversations with people who may not agree with us but who are willing and curious to learn more.
Someone once told me, “you don’t have to worry about not breaking through to everyone you meet who is skeptical about God. Just the fact that you brought it up and had the conversation is enough, because you could be kickstarting their journey to finding Jesus. You could be the one who opens their heart just a tiny bit to the possibility, and that is huge.”
My college journey has been a tough one, as I’ve mentioned many times before. I have felt on numerous occasions that I was sacrificing my beliefs in order to please the people around me, whether that be my peers, professors, or both. When I started reading the book of Galatians, I was struck deep to my core by what was written in chapter 1 verse 10. I quoted this verse at the top of this post, but here it is again!
For am I now trying to persuade people, or God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. - Galatians 1:10, CSB
I realized that I was more concerned with pleasing the people around me than I was with pleasing God. I so desperately wanted to impress my professors that I lost sight of how Jesus could use me as a vessel for His love and His light. Not only this, but I was scared to be a vessel. I was scared of what the people I admired might think of me, as there are many I know who do not believe.
Please don’t be discouraged if you pour your heart out just to get a response from one person. Perhaps that was the one person who needed it most. Whether you reach one million people or just one person, your life and your testimony are both powerful and capable of changing lives. But only if you let the author shine through. Every encounter we have has been ordained—each was created with a purpose in mind. We can be missionaries and spread the Good News to anyone we meet: in the grocery story, with our roommates, or to our neighbor down the street. My only goal in life is for people to leave an interaction with me and say, “wow, she really loves life. She had this light about her that I couldn’t describe.” I’m NOT there yet... but every day I’m trying to be better about it. I’m trying to get one step closer to being a vessel through which He can shine through. Will you join me?
He is bold about His love for us... it’s written in the sky, it breathes through the trees planted in the earth, and it walks thorough the people who know and love us well. So shouldn’t we do the same for Him? Shouldn’t we be bold?
Fellow Christians: the world needs a Savior. And while this has always been true, I feel that the recent timees in which we find ourselves living have only made that more urgent. The world is looking for answers where they won’t be found. We need to be bold about our faith. We need to love as He loves. We need to read our Bibles and actively seek Him above all else. No more lukewarm Christianity. I am guilty of this myself, but I am trying every day to be better.
If we want to share the gospel to those who need it most, it often requires us to go there. To get uncomfortable. To be vulnerable.
To be BOLD.
Isn’t He worthy of that? Isn’t He worthy enough for us to look past our insecurities and walk hand in hand with Him for the rest of our lives?
