I have to admit, thinking up a blog has been hard, especially one being Christian lately.
I’m going to be a bit vulnerable here and I know that’s ok.
Some people know that I’m in a storm, like it’s going on two years now storm, like I’m exhausted and It’s hard to pray storm, like it’s hard to even get in my Bible storm because my heart is hurting and longing for this to be over.
But before this I was in two more storms, basically let’s just say my life has been storm after storm and now another one, some know my biological father emotionally and mentally abused me and even went to prison at one point(another story for another time), then 4 months after my papa died who was my dad when I had none and taught me to live life to the fullest and achieve my dreams, then a year and a half grieve and packing up a business and a house at the same time and selling it for my grandma to move to a different state, then now, I thought it was over but it wasn’t and at one point I was angry, then depressed for a while, then I was out of it a bit and now loosing hope,and faith.
On Easter Sunday I saw everyone posting there outfits,families,verses and when I went to church everyone was so happy but I was hurting on the inside, I was irritated like how are these people like this when I’m going through it?, it got to the point where I even asked God “is this Christian life even worth it?”
Yes guys that bad and it was at church during the sermon bad.
I didn’t post anything that day, not my business post, not my outfit, not anything because I knew I couldn’t my mind wasn’t in the right place.
If you see on my page, you will know I see eagles.
Well that same day I saw an eagle on a bike ride with my family and I asked God “do I even deserve what your showing me?”
No I didn’t but his Grace was showing and his love knowing what I’m feeling is ok and he knows it’s been so hard even when I don’t show it because you see me happy, joyful, in sweats haha talking confident but in the background no that’s not entirely me.
Then we kept going and I saw the eagles higher than I’ve ever seen them before and then I asked “when will I soar, when will this New Beginning come?”
I’ve been hearing this repeated words, not once, or twice but multiple times these two words “new beginning” and also the word “breakthrough”
I’m waiting for my new beginning and breakthrough but it’s so long that I’m in this dry season.
After I finally said to myself I need help so I did, I messaged my grandma and my best friend and they gave me so much Grace and said what your feeling is ok because of what you’ve been through. Then I prayed to God crying out I’m sorry for thinking what I did and I just got real with him of what I’m struggling with and I’m tired, irritated and trying my hardest but I see nothing.
My business I admit is dry, someone told me I wasn’t professional and I didn’t answer her questions where as my upline(my mentor) told me you answered very professional with examples and truth and she said I didn’t even have the image to be in a beauty company. Now I haven’t talked about this much but I’ve struggled with an eating disorder one binging and two not eating enough to the point where if I went to the doctor three months ago I would’ve been put as anorexic (I admit my dads side my grandma died of it), I was scared but I was also triggered when she said that because I have struggled with my body for years, my dad would call me fat but in a way of comparing me to my sister, and I would eat my feelings away because of his abuse and hurting inside for not being accepted by him , but once my fitness journey started I was so afraid to go back to my binging that I decided not to eat enough.
In January into February of this year I didn’t realize that I relapsed I said but in truth I knew deep down because numbers would pop in my dreams or my head and when my mom bought a scale I was mad because I secretly knew I relapsed.
For three weeks now my meetings have either been ghosted, reschedule then ghosted or non existent. My content was getting bland until now when I admitted it was overwhelming and I’m not posting every week but every other instead so I can be my best self.
My grandma told me the devil plays with you and makes you think your not enough or says your never going to get through this before God can promote you.
She said just hold on your planting deep roots just don’t give up because God will promote the business, the new beginning, the breakthrough, just hold on and that goes for you as well.
I know I’m tired to, my tears are barely anymore, my prayers are wondering if God hears me anymore or sees me (let me tell you he does), I know because it’s so dry you just want water and you want rain.
Just know I’m telling this to someone who’s going through it, I don’t know what your storm is or how long it’s lasting , but just know God will promote you to higher levels.
He is coming.
I’m holding onto this truth and I want you to hold onto it as well.
Trust is hard but I’ve seen a breakthrough before, I know I will see a bigger one coming, I will have this new beginning I’ve been promised, my business will soar, through Jesus amen.
Hold on your dry season won’t be long, Gods not done with you yet.
“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NLT