Back in December, Morgan Harper Nichols wrote, “I am so grateful that some things just don’t bother me like they used to.” I wanted so badly to agree with her, to say that I too was not bothered by the weight of the grief I had been carrying. I tried so hard to push my feelings to the side and be there with her mentally, but I just couldn’t. Because the truth was that the things I had experienced did bother me. They bothered me a lot. There were too many words that I would still need to get out, too many words that I would still need to write to the empty pages of my journal and to the God who hears me. But time has been my friend, and four months later I can confidently say that I have met Morgan on the path—I am now walking by her side, saying, “yes, I too am grateful that some things just don’t bother me like they used to.”
But I would add that I am grateful to the past version of myself who sat in her grief four months ago. I am grateful to her for doing the dirty work—for crying out to God, for letting every word be written. Because as I go back and read old journal entries that discuss, in lengthy detail, the thoughts, worries, and anger that took center stage in my mind at the time, I almost cannot even get through them. I stop halfway and don’t even want to finish reading, because at this point in my journey, it isn’t even worth reading anymore. It just doesn’t hurt me anymore. It just doesn’t bother me like it used to. So yes, I am grateful that some things just don’t bother me like they used to. But I am also grateful that time is on my side, creating distance between the girl who was broken and the girl who is slowly being redeemed. I am grateful for the God who hears me, I am thankful for Jesus—a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. He knows. He collects every tear. He sits with me, He cries with me, He gets angry with me. He feels what I feel. When I feel lonely, rejected, or like an alien in comparison to those around me, I am reminded that my King Jesus was the most hated of them all. He was so different from any other person who walked the face of the earth, and I cannot imagine how difficult or lonely that was at times.
I am so moved by the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. How He was deeply moved in His spirit and greatly troubled (John 11:33). How He wept (John 11:35). He feels what you feel. And if I could go back and hug the girl I knew four months ago, I would tell her that she has no idea the amount of healing and breakthrough that will happen. I would tell her to hold on tight, because growing is never easy, but it is worth it. I would tell her not to force herself to believe she’s healed just because it’s, “been too long and she should be at that point by now.” I would tell her that as time marches on, her heart will move with it. I would tell her that Jesus will never leave her. I would remind her that His ways are higher than her ways, His thoughts higher than her thoughts. And I imagine that four months from now, I will look back on this girl and think, “you have come so far.” And that thought comforts me. So yes, I am grateful that some things just don’t bother me like they used to. And I am grateful that I gave myself time to heal so I could truly experience the freedom that comes from saying and believing that.
If you’re in a season that you just don’t think you’ll get through, I promise you this: you will. Time is your friend, and so is Jesus. The pain we feel lessens as time separates us from our past, but only if you spend the time letting Him heal you the way only He can. Talk to Him, get in His word, read about His character and what He did for those who loved Him. He will get you through this, and He will use it for good.
Verse:
"Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus wept. So the Jews said, "see how he loved him!" But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?" Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, "Take away the stone." Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, "Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days." Jesus said to her, "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?" So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me." When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out." The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, "Unbind him, and let him go."
- John 11:32-44
